Rest in peace: 2025 recap

One phrase to describe my 2025 is "rest in peace". 

The year began with a peaceful staycation in Old Toronto, where I turned my resolution for a better work-life balance into a multi-layered "rest plan". This translated into the first 2 self-organized vacations of my life: a solo trip to Amsterdam in March, and a visit to Vancouver in June. Though both were packed full of activities, I had a blissfully stimulating and rejuvenating time. 

In February, I reached my goal of exercising 4 times a week for mental health; a 300% increase from past years. Through Freedom Session, I realized I had absorbed emotional trauma due to my art and achievements in school, leading to a subconscious distancing from art. After processing this, I unwrapped my brand-new easel sitting under my bed and started oil painting again after a decade. Unfortunately, the creative inspiration and vitality of my school years have not fully returned. I hope to gently restore my artistic abilities for new purposes in the years to come. 

In March, I discovered a love for crochet thanks to an office workshop, went to Amsterdam, and celebrated L & I's 1-year dating anniversary with a fun vocal duet class. 

In April, I learned about lifelong emotional suppression as a contributor to anxiety and burnout, and started processing emotions in real time. 

In May, I started couples' mentorship with L, and learned all about the art of presentation through a series of providential workshops and resources. 

In June, I published my new portfolio site, facilitated a care ministry ideation workshop with my church, went to Vancouver, and started applying to senior product designer roles for the first time. 

*cue music change* 

In July, I finished reading Finding the Love of Your Life with L, celebrated a good friend's wedding as a bridesmaid and had my first-ever portfolio interview for a senior product designer role at a restaurant tech company. I presented confidently, but stumbled over some tech issues and questions and was rejected. 

In August, I began revamping a university app design project and savoured the creative intensity of my school years. Through a rough patch with L, I learned that my feelings temporarily shut down when I am hurt. 

In September, I had my first technical-behavioural interview with a legal tech company. Despite rigorous research and preparation, I anticipated just 2 of the interviewer's questions and had a brain workout recalling projects and improvising anecdotal answers. I learned that my self-hatred was still ever-present and sabotaging my job search efforts. Through this painful process, I realized I had come to idolize career growth as the source of my "honor", holding my own happiness hostage until I landed a tech design job. 

In October, I celebrated another good friend's wedding as a bridesmaid, tried a Kung Fu class with L's relatives, paused job search and enrolled in a UX career strategy course. With ADHD research and Biblical counselling training, I discovered I may have a condition called "rejection sensitive dysphoria", which manifests in my life as severe anxiety in the face of potential rejection, distress in ambiguous or unpleasant interactions and a deeply-rooted sense of shame. 

In November, I reunited with old friends at another friend's wedding, finished reading Boundaries in Dating with L, started creating an "authentic life plan" in my final Freedom Session chapter, and resumed therapy to work on the newly-surfaced feelings of shame. Through feedback from trusted friends, I uncovered and began addressing my perfectionism, people-pleasing and judgemental attitudes that held me back from living an authentic life. 

In December, I went on my first 2-month work sabbatical. The first weekend of my break, both L's paternal grandma and my maternal grandma passed away. After that, my mask of people-pleasing fell off as I came closer to seeing reality; life is too short for pretense. 

While prioritizing my sabbatical goals, I discovered that career growth was near the bottom of my list. Although part of me intensely wished to obtain a new job, I realized my motivations were shallow. My true values led me to allocate my time proportionately to other priorities. Aside from the career course, I enjoyed gift shopping with L, deepening relationships with friends and family, having fun with new recipes, exploring key ideological differences with L, wedding planning, and renewing my love for Christ through the gospels. 

— 

2025 was a year of fighting for true rest, learning to reconcile differences, and cherishing what really matters in our brief time on earth. I am starting to experience the truth that my life is not about me, but Christ and His grace demonstrated through me. 

So often I've had the sinking feeling that I'm "falling behind" in life, or making a big mistake by not emulating my peers. However as I look back, I see that life is not a race — God knows exactly what He's doing with me, and has lovingly provided all that I need and more. I realize that I don't need a shiny new job (or anything) to be happy, if I live according to God's reality and surrender my life to Christ. 

Around Christmas, insightful conversations with immigrant friends opened my eyes to the cultural factors that may have shaped my psyche growing up. The feelings of guilt when not producing, the judgmentalism, the toxic perfectionism, and the achievement-driven self-worth are like a root network that may not be easily removed with a few therapy sessions. 

However, I believe this too can be overcome in Christ. The "cycle breakers" of generational trauma in my life are living testaments that the broken patterns of the past do not have to be our blueprint for the future. And even if rejection sensitive dysphoria was a source of my lifelong social anxiety, I believe God can use and transform it for my good and for His glory. 

In 2026, I hope to learn to be a human being, not a human doing. To rewire my conception of rest not as a reward after achievement, but as the foundation and fuel of all our work in God's design. To work diligently, not for self-worth or personal ambition but for God and the good of others. To practice living by my authentic values, speaking the truth in love, and accepting myself and others without judgment. 

May your 2026 be a year of focusing on what truly matters in this life. 

Reading list: 

- The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness by Timothy Keller

- The Bruised Reed by Richard Sibbes 

- Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson ✔ 

- Finding the Love of Your Life by Neil Clark Warren ✔

- The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller ✔

- How People Change by Timothy S. Lane and Paul David Tripp 

- Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands by Paul David Tripp 

- Undoing Depression by Richard O'Connor