In my own skin: 2023 Recap

One phrase to describe my 2023 is "growing into my own skin". Like a bamboo forest, this was a year of rapid emotional, intellectual and spiritual development.

This year, I experienced feelings of calm and belonging in social groups like never before. My years of therapy and self-learning began yielding exponential fruit. My relationship with myself (my inner child) shifted from abusive & neglectful to compassionate & collaborative, as I gained awareness, healed wounds and developed healthy internal and external boundaries in everyday life. This new internal alignment supercharged my goals and priorities, leadership initiatives, close relationships, and sense of joy. The broken façade that blocked my inner child from the outside world became an MVP 'interface' for real connection. Even in unfamiliar situations, I now operate on a new bedrock of confidence that my authentic self will be enough. With this inner work, my disorganized attachment style made big strides towards secure attachment. 

Early this year, I attended a Relevant Series talk on God & Science at the University of Toronto. Having grown up in highly secular educational settings, witnessing the talk held in a mini lecture hall in the Electrical and Computer Engineering building was a surreal experience. Looking back, I think Dr. Kirk Durston's testimony and clarifying perspective on faith & the physical sciences ignited a spiritual re-awakening in me. Later this year, I noticed a wave of spiritual growth among my friends at church. Perhaps it was unbeknownst to them, but it was strikingly apparent in my eyes. Similarly, as my relationship with each friend in Christ deepened, a new spot in my blurry windshield clears and I see a new facet of Christ's indescribable beauty. I finally realize that in my manifold weakness, I am indeed growing in Christ-likeness. 

Below are some more milestones, gratitude items and precious highlights of my year. 

I savored deep friendships, old and new. This was another year of lively social events, several of which I conceived and initiated. Amazingly, my social battery expanded tenfold. Through numerous substantial, eye-opening and heartfelt conversations, I found resonance and gained a more multifaceted perspective of those around me, and of the world. On several occasions I found myself in a synchronous mental 'loop', a blissful dance of emotional and intellectual attunement with my conversation partner. To me, these are the million-dollar deposits into emotional bank accounts, the nurturer of close relationships, and the interactions that nourish my mind and soul and remind me of the joy of being alive. 

I gained peace at work. By God's grace, I tried my hand at new accounts and pitches, got promoted, went on my first work trip (Salt Lake City!), and developed enriching bonds with a few Toronto colleagues. I saw the fruit of my advocacy efforts in the attitudinal shifts around user research in my team. I learned that my team leads and the company-at-large had been actively listening to our expressed pain points and responding with strategic, systemic changes in 2024 and beyond. My quarter-life crisis dissipated as I identified and let go of the pride-fueled pressures of career idolatry, and began to see God's strategic providence right where I am. 

I rediscovered my childhood passions. Funded by generous work benefits, I stretched my comfort zone with dance classes and vocal lessons and felt my brain and vocal instrument grow in new ways. I savored enriching trips to art exhibits, museums, film festivals and artisan markets with fellow adventurers. I had fun sharpening my writing craft on Medium, basking in flow state, and witnessing the serendipitous reactions of readers from around the world. After a lovely Easter choir experience, I co-initiated an impromptu a cappella group with some musical friends. With a power team, I planned and executed creative events, ranging from printmaking to competitive costume design to dance choreography. The year of events culminated in a Barbie-inspired thrift adventure, as some friends and I became each other's stylists and models for a day.

I learned new skills and sharpened old ones. I learned systems thinking from a priceless book, leadership and project management from work and increasingly complex Art Nights, harmonic intuition from worship, passaggio and other techniques from vocal class, bouldering with friends' gentle coaching, how to cat-sit and house-sit, and how to survive on a snowy mountain (answer: with experienced comrades). I grew my consultation & editing skills for friends' job applications and testimonies alike, acoustic guitar proficiency with worship, paddle boarding confidence in bumpy rivers, and creative education toolbox with Art Night and Dance Night. Perhaps my most surprising area of growth was in cooking: from not knowing how to dice an onion and taking 2+ hours to cook, to whipping up solid meals for two in 30–45 minutes (thank you God, and Chefs Plate!) 😭 

I grew closer to my dad. This summer, my mom went to take care of my grandmother in China for six months. I anticipated this would be a fruitful challenge for my life skills, but what I didn't expect was the profound shift in my relationship with my dad. As we contractually divided the labor and contributed in our unique ways to the home and to each other, the thorny barriers came down and we relaxed with each other. I began having spontaneous chats with my dad, as he shared his curious discoveries (often from Youtube) and took an active interest in my everyday plans and activities. I felt my father's love and validation in a new way, as well as the healing effect this had on my life. God willing, when the three of us live together again, we would take courage to confront old patterns and build a relationship of harmony in our differences.

I was diagnosed with ADHD, and learned that I am twice-exceptional. In the fall of 2023, I was diagnosed with ADHD-Combined Type. As usual, this took place several years after my personal realization, but the psychological report revealed a new scope of healing that needed to take place: I needed to heal the way I perceived and treated myself, as a person with unusual weaknesses. Soon after, I connected the dots with my 2019 psycho-educational assessment and learned that I was twice-exceptional: an intellectually gifted individual with one or more learning or other disabilities. This slightly obscure educational term rang a loud bell and kickstarted a paradigm shift of my entire life (which I wrote about in this Medium article). In God's strength, I hope to become a resource and safe place for neurodiverse and 2e individuals, as well as those carrying the burden of mental illness and intergenerational trauma. 

I grew closer to God. After many years of drifting, shame and self-condemnation, I realized I was seeking a 'spiritual perfection' that will never happen while on earth. Once again I came to face my ever-evolving, Cerberus-like pride which threatens to sever my relationships with God and people. As therapy helped me shed the toxic perfectionistic lies that once choked my life, I began to peel off the many layers of parallel lies shackling my spiritual life. I'm not growing in faith like my church peers. If I was saved, I would have my spiritual disciplines in line by now. A real Christian wouldn't struggle the way I do. Now I know that a real Christian will keep struggling, one day at a time. As my mind cleared, I remembered there is no ranking system in God's eyes — we're all equally unworthy (and exceedingly loved). Instead of striving to be that fictitious 'perfect Christian', I'm learning to simply enjoy God's presence, share life with my spiritual family, and explore new ways to understand God's Word and serve His people. A class on relating to the Trinity and a new reading group for a timely book mark a bright new chapter of my learning journey.

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Come 2024, I'd like to refine my ADHD management strategies, and engage in tactical brain training to strengthen my short-term memory and directional abilities. I'd like to learn the art of focused storytelling — in presentations, case studies and social gatherings alike. I'd like to continue my dance and vocal education, expanding into new genres and techniques. I'd like to traverse new learning terrain in my Medium writing. With my team, I hope to pilot new creative workshops & events at church and in the community. I'll look forward to creating more a capella music with friends. And when the time is right, I hope to take all that I've learned into a long-awaited realm: digital music production. 

Aside from these, I'd like to continue the momentum of my 2023 personal goals: To continue healing and moving towards secure attachment, prioritizing well-being and healthy boundaries, growing in Biblical understanding and capacity for Christ-like love, and working whole-heartedly at whatever is set before me, with joy and contentment. 

Thank you for reading. Here's to a 2024 of new hope and personal breakthroughs!🌟

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

- Romans 8:1