Emerge: 2021 Recap

One word to describe my 2021 is 'emerging'. 

Today I reviewed my past year-end recaps, from 2017 to 2020. Among other things, I found that many of the prominently dark moments of those years now feel like a distant memory; in comparison, my 2021 has been serendipitously bright. 

This is likely thanks to several things: good therapy, exercise, the presence of kind friends, and the work of God. My once-close companions Social Anxiety and Depression have become acquaintances, who still swing by now and then but don't stay long. 

However, my quarter-life crisis became more defined this year with the events of graduation and officially reaching my mid-twenties. My diverse passions and interests have not faded over the past decade, and now haunt me in my career self-questioning. What am I doing? Are my current decisions ruining my future career? Am I supposed to be somewhere else right now? Should I pursue a postgrad in Counselling Psychology...? Not to mention, the compensation disparity between industries and the concerning outlook for my field became discouragingly real. 

On a more serious note, this year I started learning about complex trauma (in relation to Complex PTSD). C-PTSD is included in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) but was left out of the DSM-5 (despite overwhelming support from the PTSD workgroup) due to overlapping symptoms. C-PTSD is a 'complex' form of post-traumatic stress disorder often caused by repeated/long-term experiences of abuse and/or neglect (physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, etc), usually in childhood or adolescence. Aside from shared PTSD symptoms, C-PTSD involves additional complications such as emotional disregulation, deformed self-identity & toxic shame and difficulties sustaining close relationships. I learned that one of the key protective factors against traumatization is healthy social bonds, starting from infancy. Perhaps my alternative upbringing, along with innate high sensitivity, soft psychological boundaries and disrupted social circle from cross-cultural relocations made my young brain highly susceptible to traumatization. Regardless of the cause: here I am, with a decade of anxious, depressive, dissociative and self-loathing experiences that I now understand to be symptoms of unresolved complex trauma. But with access to this knowledge and therapy, I am now equipped to work through and one day overcome this.

A related topic that came to my attention this year is intergenerational trauma. During a nice spring walk to Exhibition Place with my mom, we came across a sobering new Holodomor monument that led to my mom recounting our family line's similar experiences of historical trauma during the Great Chinese Famine and the Cultural Revolution. Once again I'm reminded of how little I know about the world, and my own family history... and how these unspoken past traumas may have seeped into my turbulent upbringing, and my own blood. 

I have a lot to learn and untangle in the coming years... but what I know for sure is that I want to be the cycle breaker in my family — whatever it takes. 

For starters, I'm learning from two courageous books: The Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. 

On a brighter note, some highlights of 2021 + goals for 2022:

• Spiritual: Against all odds and my overall distractibility, I read through Scripture in a year! This took many rounds of catching up and ‘alternative methods’ (ie listening to audio Scripture while drawing) but I'm glad to have completed this challenge by God's grace. Next year, I want to focus on understanding less familiar OT books, forming a clearer picture of the Biblical timeline, and rediscovering Christ in my life. 
• Mental: After my social anxiety diagnosis, I was extremely lucky to be referred to a physician trained in psychotherapy for OHIP-covered treatment. It was a long waitlist, but the past year of bi-weekly remote sessions have been transformative (to the point of surprising my therapist!) This may reflect the differential susceptibility of highly sensitive brains, which can benefit greatly from even small interventions. In 2022, I'll continue working on understanding and renewing my mind, in therapy and in Christ. 
• Physical: After a year of Pilates, I started incorporating weighted workouts into my weekly routine using small hand weights. It's been a blast so far and I'm grateful for Chloe Ting & Blogilates, my physical ability to enjoy these exercises, and the neurotransmitter boost they provide (:
• Relational: This year I was fortunate to reunite online and in person with several friends and acquaintances, and enjoy a series of adventurous events in the latter half of the year. I also joined my first career small group which was initially slightly intimidating, but soon became a place of loving fellowship, spiritual support and much laughter. Each of you gave me the gift of your safe presence and warm company, and my heart swells with gratitude for the quality time that we spent together this year. Every real and interesting conversation leaves a new star in the sky of my memories. I hope in 2022 that these connections will only deepen and become more meaningful.  
• Artistic: This year I started portrait drawing while catching up on audio Scripture. It started with some rough mirror self-portraits, then more detailed portraits using Kpop photo references. I'm still very slow and missing proper technique, but I'm glad to be pursuing this lifelong passion once again. In 2022, I'd like to further explore physical & digital art — starting from light & colour theory (:
• Professional: After an awesome online grad show and summer elective (Creativity & Innovation), I finally graduated from YSDN in November! During this time I was lucky to try two very different design internships before taking the leap and going full-time with Critical Mass in downtown Toronto (: I still have my quarter-life crisis and many uncertainties about stepping into the world of agency UX, but God knows this is just the beginning. I'll look forward to growing and learning lots in this new chapter of life. 
  

In my 25th year of life, I want to learn how to truly relax. To allow myself to just be, and do one thing at a time. To slowly untangle my self-worth from anything in this world. To trust that God is working in my brokenness, in the people around me, and in the messiness of this life. 

Further thematic thoughts of 2021: 

The everyday fortune of being alive.

I once had an idea for a short film about ‘probabilities’: what if you could see everyone's percentage chances of injury or death at any given moment? In light of the mind-blowing intricacies of life's systems and the ubiquity of death, this unknown likelihood has been a thought in the back of my mind for many years. “So many people are dying at this moment; by what fortune am I still alive?” But instead of causing worry or fear, this thought has planted a growing sense of awe and gratitude for each passing day in which my life was sustained against all odds, without my doing.

Sometimes I think about this while walking down the street: at any point in time my life can be taken by any number of things, internally or externally. Am I okay with that? Am I living in such a way that I will be okay with that if it happens?

One benefit of these heavy thoughts is that they help me easily identify what I value most, and set goals aligned to these values. And what I learned is that more than career ‘success’ and achievements, I value  my relationships with the safe people who teach me love and enrich my understanding of life.

On being human.
It seems as humans we are all hunted by the unquenchable hunger, thirst and desire for relationship. That common need runs through our veins... even if we're in the depths of depression, even if a lifetime of scars left scaly leather where there was once skin. Just the touch of one kind, warm soul can last us (or leave us searching) for a lifetime.
No matter how hurt we are, how far we run, or how hard we try to erase someone once dear to us, it seems such bonds of the heart are never fully severed. In the end, there are still silvery threads spanning infinite time and distance, connecting you to me. Perhaps we can only let them be.

On what makes my heart beat. 
As an INFJ, an HSP, or simply myself: I think one of my greatest passions is watching people grow in their potential and break free from their limitations. (How) should I incorporate this fundamental part of my soul in to my life's work? 

On trying to grow like everyone else.
When will I realize that I'm a fish growing up in a forest, trying to force myself to climb? 

Flower.
It sounds mundane, but maybe the 'flower' that best describes me is a weed. No matter where I am planted, I will grow. Despite the weather, despite the barren soil, despite being stepped on — I was built to thrive. 

Thank you for visiting my humble blog to read this far ^-^ I'm always here if you'd like to discuss any of the things in this post, or share your story. 

With this, I wish you a year of new paradigms, healthy relationships, and much joy. 💜

“Naked I came from my mother's womb,

and naked I will depart.

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;

may the name of the LORD be praised.”

— Job 1:21b