Recovering: 2020 Recap

"In my 23rd year of life on earth, I want to face myself and grow.  

...Maybe I′m still here because the story isn′t finished yet." — 2019 recap 

One word to describe my 2020 is 'recovering'. In a year that flipped the world upside down, it seems my upside-down world was flipped upright in the force of the moment. The arrival of COVID-19 and quarantine sentenced most of us to house arrest, our human desire to come together as the crime. But something amazing happened: as my physical self became confined in a small radius, my inner self was freed to breathe in the fresh air for the first time in a long time. The fragmented cracks of 2019 merged back together, and I regained a sense of clarity, determination, courage, and hope. 

Of course the broken realities of life remains, and loneliness is as widespread as the pandemic. Each new light leaves a shadow of doubt in my mind. Is it wrong for me to not be suffering during this time? When will this chapter of calm end, and the next storm begin? But perhaps I've just pinpointed another objective for this upcoming year: to live bravely and wholeheartedly in the face of uncertainty, knowing it is a constant in disguise. Remembering that every moment I'm alive is a gift, that all my wild unknowns have always been known and lovingly held in God's hands. 

Poetic musings aside, some highlights of my 2020: 

• Started a bullet journal to practice handwriting, track my weekly tasks and personal development, and managed to keep at it all year. 
• Learned UX design and retail package design, from little knowledge to co-creating an app prototype from scratch and several original product packages. 
• Put together my first portfolio site! (wip, peek it at elisewang.design)
  
• Completed my first COVID-adapted design internship with a startup project I'm passionate about. 
  
• By God's grace, for the first time ever, I persisted in my goal of regular exercise throughout the year. Not perfectly, not without breaks, but with increasing motivation and strength. Thank you, Blogilates :) 
  
• Began studying personal / psychological boundaries for the first time.. which gave me a paradigm shift about human relationships.
• Learned more about personality models and innate differences that helped me better understand the very different individuals in my life. And that my personality is closest to the INFJ, the 1% type that is supposedly 'least compatible' with 75% of the world... but somehow by God's grace, close to me in every corner of my life were identical types, kindred spirits or otherwise surprisingly compatible individuals — whose kind presence are a light in my life.
• Braced the new screen-based social environment and enjoyed many warm and priceless hours of conversation with peers, friends, and church family. (I don't say it often, but I love you guys ^-^)
• My view towards people went from cynicism and disillusionment to a renewed, genuine enjoyment and hope. 
• I enjoyed another year of BTS's adventures (quarantine edition), plus receiving their first Grammy nomination. 
• I kept a log of 'deep thoughts', quotes and musings throughout the year for the first time in a while, now distilled in the second half of this year-end recap :)  

In 2021, I'll be attempting to read through the entire Bible with friends. It'll be tough, we'll definitely fall behind at some points, but it may be the most worthwhile challenge we can take on. In my 24th year of life, I want to develop healthy boundaries that will allow me to love others and myself freely, without fear. To learn how to become a highly effective person, HSP, and INFJ from the inside out. To detach my self-worth from productivity, performance, people or any other impermanent thing — and reattach it to the Maker of my new identity in Christ. 

Now without further ado, here are a few (metaphor-drenched) snippets of my mind in 2020, organized by theme and date. 

On holding.

Jan 4.

People hold people in different ways. Hands, minds, timeless crevices of the heart. Ways I don't yet understand.

On building character. 

Jan 9.

Even if I am trapped in the prison of my mind, I can choose to carry myself while inside as one who cannot be degraded. 

"No one can degrade you — they degrade themselves. Ego is sensitive about slights, insults and not getting their due. After Frederick Douglass was asked to ride in a baggage car because of his race, someone rushed to apologize for this mistreatment. Frederick's reply? 'They cannot degrade Frederick Douglass. The soul that is within me no man can degrade. I am not the one being degraded on account of this treatment, but those who are inflicting it upon me.'"

— Ryan Holiday, Medium

—

Feb 28.

One of the most valuable character skills is learning how to bounce back gracefully from setbacks, failures and mistakes. The old me is quick to blame, resent and hold grudges. The new me will choose what affects her, pick her battles, and focus on growing what's most important within her sphere of influence. 

—

Sept 24. 

"Confidence is understanding that not everyone is going to like me or what I have to say.. and that's okay. Feeling the fear and going for what I want anyway. Challenging my self-critical thoughts. Being able to forgive myself for making mistakes. Accepting myself for who I am - flaws and all.  

— Nawal Mustafa M.A., @thebraincoach

On assigned stations in life. 

Jan 14. 

I have never broken a bone, and no one immediately close to me has passed away. These facts become more and more prominent to me each year: God has protected me from a deep chasm of pain that I probably have yet to develop the capacity to endure.

For now, I guess anxiety and depression are my assigned stations.

I only hope to be ready to welcome the next chapter when it arrives.

On design & creativity. 

Jan 14.
Typeface design is the voice acting, the body movement, the movie soundtrack of human language: a medium that can embody or obscure the message. Graphic design exists because we are human and not bots, and we communicate and receive communication with all senses, in all levels of consciousness, through the details of our everyday world. 

—

Feb 17. 

Creative energy may appear as a mysterious force that comes and goes, but for me it seems to run through a simple pipe that gets clogged easily - by stress, mess, and other things. It seems the most effective way to get 'unstuck' is to simply let go. To take a step back, clear out the gunk (of distractions, comparisons, irrational thoughts) and take the time to truly restore myself. Then the creative juices will flow, stronger than before. 

—

Mar 3. 

For my complex mind, the best design solution will often be the simplest idea possible. 

—

Apr 7.

Creativity is like water, formless and wild.. and structure, like a glass bowl, gives it shape and form. Good design is clear, purposeful, disciplined structure applied to explosive creativity.. and that duality is a beauty of its own. 

 

On first impressions. 

Feb 7. 

Despite my generally keen intuition, my first impressions are usually wrong. No one turns out the way I first perceived them to be. And that can be a very good thing. 

On my most valuable keepsake. 

June 11.

I have a tendency of 'diffusing' strong memories and experiences in to the clothes in which I experienced them. The same applies to a greater degree to the various little mementos I've collected over the years. And then I realized, my body has physically carried and protected me through these 23 years of memories. With all this reminiscing about things just a few years past—aren't I the oldest thing that has been with me all this time... my most valuable keepsake? 

On work & rest. 

Mar 9. 

Why do I 'fall apart' so easily at the sight of unfinished work? Do I subject myself to a meritocracy, where I must earn and prove my worth with the work I do? I love myself very, very conditionally.. and that may have scarred me more than anything else. 

—

Jun 15.

I experience perpetual guilt when 'not working', especially when I think I'm 'supposed to'. 

There is nothing wrong with rest. 

I should know it best: 

Life is much more than desk work. 

The time I spend away from it, whether planned or unplanned, should be quality time not thinking about how I should be at my desk. 

If I can work, I should work. 

If I can't in that moment for whatever reason, 

Instead of guilt-tripping and condemning myself (which rarely leads to productivity), 

I can choose to rest well, with all my heart. 

So that when I come back, 

I can work with a full heart. 

Perhaps that's the reason why I can't seem to settle down and work sometimes; I'm running on empty. 

On life's enjoyments. 

Jul 3. 

When I wrestle honestly to place my heart in God's hands, I come out more able to enjoy the daily moments and pleasures of life fully as they truly are: little love gifts from God. When I allow these gifts to become obsessions and addictions as I wander away from the Giver's path, these same enjoyments eventually leave me with a numb, dreary emptiness — as if the objects themselves are testifying about their sheer inability to replace God. 

On a new goal. 

Aug 27.

I have a new goal for 2021 and onwards: to become a highly effective person from the inside. To re-align my life and self-worth around truths & principles, to exercise my power to choose my response in any situation, to practice subordinating impulses to chosen values, to establish a healthy balance of Production and Production Capability, to become a listener who seeks to understand and then to be understood, to live with a personal 'Constitution' - one that is missional and points to Christ. (inspired by the book 7 Habits) 

On eternity.

Sept 13. 

Eternity - I've always been befuzzled by the idea. But a simple image just popped in to my mind: as time is linear, eternity is like a circle. Thus, this life that seems endless to us is actually a (very short) line between two orbs of eternity. 

On aging. 

Sept 29. 

For many years as a teenager, the idea of getting old was scary to me; the bloom of youth was all I knew. But now, as I start to see sun spots and fine lines appear in the mirror, I contemplate the unavoidable, God-given process of aging. And I finally realize that the wrinkles and spots of age are a beautiful thing. The fading elasticity and collagen production in dermal tissue is a visible, biological sign of all the years lived - all the wars and revolutions, all the hours worked and contributions made, all the conversations, all the souls loved and lost, all the pain and joy, all the adventures embarked on. Now when I come across an elderly individual on the street, my mind for a split second wonders about these things. What were they like when they were my age? How has the world changed since then? How were they perceived by the world then and now, and more importantly, how do they perceive the world and themself? And I pass by in quiet wonder and respect. 

On the active 'I' and passive 'self'.

Oct 1. 

The 'self' is the body, mind, feelings, or more vulnerable parts of us that the active 'I' can either treat harshly or with care. To hate, harm or sabotage oneself is just like doing so to someone else.. yet those of us who have self-loathed don't realize or care to allow our 'selves' to be distinguished as an entity like any other. Like Goblin, it seems I recently pulled out a huge sword stuck in my chest... which turned in to an equally heavy scepter that I am clumsily trying to wield. 

—

Oct 28. 

"I hate myself.

I love myself.

I trust myself.

I doubt myself. 

I don't know what to do with myself. 

I take care of myself. 

I never listen to myself. 

I'm at odds with myself. 

I'm wrestling with myself. 

I keep myself company. 

I don't understand myself.

I can't stop myself.  

I wish I could love myself."

It seems that the two subjects in each of these short sayings, though vastly differing in meaning, may actually indicate two distinct parts of us. 

The 'self' is the inner child. The true voice, core and essence of who I am as an individual soul. The 'I' is the maturing adult, the ego-protective agent who interfaces with the world as well as the inner 'self'. The inner self is the life force, the keeper of the core hopes of dreams sustaining the outer 'I'. But the inner self is by nature vulnerable and needs the outer 'I''s care and protection. 

When a child is raised in a healthy and nurturing environment, the 'I' learns to model the love and care received from caretakers for the inner self, and eventually, becomes independently able to help the inner self thrive. That child blooms on the bedrock of love and belonging, confident that they are worthy and capable of sharing love and navigating life's hardships. 

But if the child is raised in an unsafe, insecure or otherwise lacking environment, the 'I' learns a whole other set of rules. I'm not worth much. Weakness is unacceptable. Abuse is love. Neglect is how life happens. It's a dog-eat-dog world. I will only be loved if I'm perfect. The 'I' is never taught how to properly care for the vulnerable inner self. When this child grows up, there is often a mutant garden of deeply-rooted challenges that need to be dug up. 

Anxiety and depression. Self-sabotage. Health issues from overworking and lack of self-care. Unstable relationships due to insecure attachment styles. Complexes. Feeling or behaving like a wounded or abandoned child. An ongoing inner struggle, expressed in some of the questions in the beginning. Can this be explained by the inner self being out of balance, unreconciled with the outer I?

On Safe People. 

Oct 15. 

Who is a safe person? Someone like Jesus - who dwells with us in grace and truth.
(from the book Safe People)  

On love languages. 

Oct 24 + Nov 9. 

Today I tried to deflect my automatic negative thoughts surrounding family by reflecting on the culturally unusual, but equally valid love languages of my parents. 

I think my mom and dad show me they love me, by: 

Mom waiting for me outside as I slowly get ready to go out, with endless patience. 

Dad asking if I'd had dinner, collecting and washing the dishes for me and mom. 

Mom and dad leaving little messages on sticky notes (sometimes illustrated) around the kitchen before they go out, pointing me to hidden edible treasures. 

Mom making alterations to my portion of the meal when I express preferring having something a certain way. Fried egg over hard boiled, slightly runny in the middle. Noodles chewy. No salt in the morning porridge. 

And much, much, more. 

I am loved. 

On Highly Sensitive People. 

Oct 27.

HSPs are like walking human fire alarms. Detecting relational, emotional, spiritual, circumstantial and actual fires. Most of the time, like fire alarms, HSPs deal with false triggers and their accompanying pain and distress. But when the time comes, when the first metaphorical or literal spark lights the wooden cottage, HSPs are the first to notice and respond. In those moments, their sensitivity that brought them a lifetime of "unneeded" suffering can prevent disaster and save lives. 

—

A little goes a long way.

The saying 'a little goes a long way' takes on a whole new world of meaning for HSPs. A little love, a little hate. A little trouble, a little comfort. A little tragedy, a little beauty. Our world is composed of all the little things. So spare us a little kindness and consideration, and you may reap a garden of life. 

If you are still reading this, you're a real real one :') Hope we'll be in touch in the new year. I wish you all the best in your personal and professional goals, and a peace that surpasses understanding (Philippians 4:7). Here's to a year of new beginnings! 🌱