Fragment: 2019 Recap

One word to describe my 2019 is ′fragmented′. Filled with wandering, physically, mentally and emotionally, I couldn′t count the times that my mind was simply . . . absent. Indefinite in-between moments without a sense of aim or direction, shaped like a hazy question: why am I still here? 

With increasingly oscillating moods and states of mind throughout the latter half of the year, different pieces of my everyday experience became more and more separate from the others, like a cracked glacier. The contemplative, peaceful me during relaxed moments did not know the anxious, depressed, turbulent me crawling through life′s demands. The comfortably solitary me did not know the lonely, despairing me that occupied different hours of the same room. The motivated, flow-state me at occasional breakthroughs had no notion of the hopelessly brain-dead me that languished over a majority of tasks. The assertive teacher me at the front of the weekend classroom did not recognize the timid student me wandering around campus. The happy me enjoying rare golden moments with family ignored the familiar irritations and resentments of the trampled-over me. The cheerful, excited me that basked in the warmth of a few social events was not acquainted with the paralyzed me drowning in self-hate in the everyday gathering of people.

On December 19, 2019, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. It′s something I have been aware of for the past 7 years but have lately put in the back of my mind due to other struggles, so it feels a bit strange to formally recognize it all over again. Nonetheless, thanks to the diagnosis I′m starting to see it objectively, as an illness that has concretely altered several aspects my life - and may be worsening in other manifestations (ADD, depression) as it remains untreated. It is also one of the few mental health issues that is known to be relatively easy to reverse with the right help - so this year, I′ll finally be seeking treatment options within my means, in hopes of finally confronting the inner demon(s) and actively journeying towards recovery.

In the first semester of Design year 3 I took on the challenge of creating infographic material for Sensory-Processing Sensitivity (SPS) and the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). SPS is an innate trait of heightened sensory, emotional and cognitive processing that is found in roughly 20% of humans and 100 other species - and something I found in myself during arts high school. This project experience was as interesting as it was torturous, as I somehow began experiencing each of the SPS traits I studied in a way that made every work session a bombardment of the senses. Although the end product was lacking in many ways, the process was a memorable one that showed me the double-edged sword of innate sensitivity and the importance of increasing awareness for the vibrant neurodiversity around us. When poorly nurtured, HSPs can be debilitating - but with just a little care and support, HSPs (like introverts) can bloom to bring about the uniquely piercing insight and diverse contributions that that have guided and enriched the world throughout history.

One thing I saw during the highs and lows of 2019 was God′s complex orchestration of every detail of my life, whether pleasant or painful in the moment, in bringing about serendipitous people, blessings and lessons, and open and closed doors in my life - that now impress me with the sheer depths of Wisdom behind them. Perhaps, all those seemingly meaningless or wasted moments of wandering were also valuable in that they brought me, alive and breathing, to this present-moment. 

Some other personal highlights of 2019:

• Finally restarted my little blog from 2012 
• Created an expressive type poster for Shane Koyczan′s quote, ′′I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean toward the opposite.′′
• Created an overly-detailed bubble tea map of Toronto (..and developed repetitive strain injury in my hand)
• Stumbled across Wise Mushroom′s psycho-educational resources, which kick-started an inner revolution 
• Got to know an amazing school family at York CCF 
• Witnessed some iconic debuts in next-generation K-pop (and enjoyed another year of BTS taking over the world) 
• Enjoyed some masterful and thought-provoking films, dramas & anime (Top Management, Bunny Girl Senpai, The Smile Has Left Your Eyes, My Roommate is a Cat, Shoplifters, Touch Your Heart, Asako I & II, Kaguya-sama, Coffee Prince, Rap of China, Hotel Del Luna, Net-juu no Susume (Recovery of an MMO Junkie), Lelouch of the Resurrection, Fruits Basket (2019), Carole & Tuesday ♡)
• Started trading on the magical world of Bunz 
• Tutored art + English camp to some endearing students at Toronto Academy of Art 
• Tried my hand at vegan pizza-making at Virtuous Pie 
• Took a serendipitously memorable summer sociology course at York 
• Tried kickboxing for the first time (no regrets..!) 
• Explored the off-limits ′ruins′ of Ontario Place with friends, and many more adventures 
• Connected with friends old and new, all incredibly precious (y'all know who you are. :)
• Started reading through a couple of priceless books: Spurgeon's Sorrows, Redeeming Sex, Reasonable Faith, The Highly Sensitive Person, The Undervalued Self, The Broken Way, Dawning of Indestructible Joy. 
• Gave an ′artist talk′ and displayed a timeline of my work at my church′s pilot art exhibition 
• Committed myself to designing UI/UX for a long-term passion project with a few good friends
• Went for round 2 of teaching English + Art at Chung Wah Chinese School
• Rediscovered charcoal & figure drawing in art elective... and found my long-lost love for art :o
• Attended my first Reel Asian Film Fest (ft. the amazing Drawn Closer shorts programme!) 
• Attended my first tea sampling + modern calligraphy workshops at MUJI 
• Committed to weekly running for overall health (8th week and counting!)
• Made my first short film for class.. then several more. 
• Started my first-ever bullet journal without much to lose, at the turn of a new decade. 

Perhaps the most significant highlight of my 2019 was that my heart and soul started turning back to God. From years of spiritually wandering in the desert, close encounters and failed attempts to turn back around, it seems the answer remains faithfully unchanged: seek Him with your whole (or broken) heart, and He will show you all the ways that He was, and is, and will always be with you. Throughout the cacophony of my fragmented year, the Thread that held them together is the One who′d been there all along.

2019 was the year I lost a bit of my light, and forgot what it meant to pursue excellence. Instead, I became captive to my own toxic perfectionism, which demanded unreachable goals—and guilt and shame when they were inevitably not met. In this way my relationship with myself is still blurry and broken. But... nonetheless hopeful, because of Christ. This year I will seek to surrender my perfectionism and all my broken pieces to God, day after day, for the Master Artist to make beautiful things in His wisdom and timing, to His glory.

In my 23rd year of life on earth, I want to face myself and grow. In self-discipline, perseverance, contentment, and peace. In faith, hope, and a love that covers a multitude of sins. Maybe I′m still here because the story isn′t finished yet. Through the blissful times and torturous - I want to live, to experience all the coalescing parts of God's exciting, mysterious story of redeeming love.

For with You is the fountain of life;

In Your light we see light.

- Psalms 36:9 NIV

To all the mountains to climb, wonders to discover, mysteries to behold in the new decade.

Onwards,

Elise Z.Y.W.